End of the year thoughts...

Wow. Last day of the year. It hasn't quite ended the way I thought it would. I was hoping to be wrapped up in a man's arms kissing him at the drop of the ball. Yup. Forever a hopeless romantic. (Just don't tell anyone, I got a hardass reputation to uphold.) This year has been good for me though. I have gotten alot accomplished. I moved into a much better apartment, I spent 6 months at the station getting my coxswain qualification, took every test and step to advance, lost weight and got into shape (only then to gain all the weight back), reconciled with a family member I haven't seen in 15 years, been a shoulder to cry on and the list goes on.

You have to take the good with the bad. Yes of course there is always the bad. I spent too much money, isolated myself too much, bruised myself to high heaven (not intentional), been pushed down, kicked around, loved then to only have lost, failed at relationships (but at least I took the chance), drastically cut my hair, rear ended someone, got a dog only to end up giving back (dog was the spawn of satan on crack), and others. But from each and everything I learned from it and grew.

The letters in the 2011 all have a meaning for me. Its some of the more important things that 2011 has brought me.

2: This is a number off a life ring hanging on my wall. It's the life ring to the CG 25703. The boat I got my coxswain qualification on (well check ride at least). I smoked the board and check ride (except for a little hiccup while mooring, but lets not talk about that). This one is first for a very important reason. I have waited over 2 years to get this. My last unit squashed my career by not letting me get qualified. Long story short they didn't think I could do it. After going to the station here in Miami, I was able to get qualified in 3 months and 1 day. The shortest time the station has ever seen. It was the biggest accomplishment in my career so far. Because of this qual, I can finally advance.

0: This is a number from my apartment plaque outside my door. The first apartment I lived in really sucked. The town wasn't that bad, but the complex and the landlord really blew. After fighting back and forth with the landlord and getting legal involved, I was allowed to move out after 6 months. This new apartment rocks. It has its ups and downs, but all in all I really love it. It has a great view and I wanted to live on this street when I first started to look at apartments before I even moved down to Florida.

1: The first "1" is off of my unit ballcap. Of course now we can't wear unit ballcaps anymore (we have to wear a standard cap that everyone has). Its part of the hull number. I'm really blessed with this unit. They have given me every opportunity to advance in my career and have supported me in everything I have done. We as a whole get along so well. (haha famous last words)

1: The last "1" is from my Ohio State jersey. Its been a rough year for us Buckeyes. I did get to go to a game earlier in the year with a fellow Buckeye I met this year. I also have tickets to the last bowl game they will be in for a couple of years. They are banned for a while. Like I said its been a hard year. Lost a great coach, a couple of players, interim coach was very "slapable", gained a new coach for next year, lost to our biggest rivals (WTF!!!)....alot of ups and downs. But, we will make it past this and hold our heads up high and kick ass next year.


Well, this is only a little bit of my year. I pray that everyone will take a moment and reflect what this year has meant to them. I look forward to 2012 and the many adventures it brings. Wish me luck, I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

Stupid Alcohol...

Yup. Enough said. Not really because then that would be the end of the post and whats the fun in that.

So last night I went out with a group of friends. It started off eating and having a few drinks at this sports bar to watch the Citrus Bowl. Then a few drinks turned into a few more, and well, you get the picture. Anywho, I wasn't very controlled. I usually do a great job at controlling myself when I drink, but I guess after the last few days I just wanted to let go a little bit.

Hello flood gates. Ok, it wasn't that bad. I ended up having a couple of cigarettes. Which I totally wish I hadn't. No biggie, I will get back on the straight and narrow today. A cigarette is the last thing I want today. Uhh yuck. That was the least of my worries. We ended up going to a strip club. Not out of the ordinary for us. Its right up the road. Oppurtunity in location. Thats where I began to be a retard. Not the strippers, not the drinking, hell not even the puking in the trash while pissing. It was the texting. DOOM DOOM DOOM.....

I swear I am going to invent a breathalizer to unlock your phone or at least certain contacts. As you may have guessed, I texted the guy I have been stressing over. Oh crap. He did text back and he was misspelling words so that is a good indicator that he was drunk too (well that and he texted me stating he was drunkish). The texts back and forth weren't bad. Untill I got home. uhhh. So silly me texted him saying I was sorry for drunk texting him and that I really didn't mean to. He said it was all good. And thats when I proceeded to text him letting him know that it wasn't ok because I was suppose to be mad at him but I texted him anyways. Damn alcohol. So of course he asks why I'm mad. Of course I respond. "Because you basically blew me off all week. And I'm alittle upset. Yeah, I know. I'm a girl I can't help it." SMH. Wow really? I really did that? He didn't respond. I'm just a dumbass.

Can I start this day over?

Uhh. Today sucks already. It all started at 2 something this morning when I was awaken by a weird ringing noise. At first I thought it was my neighbors outside in the hallway. I was about to go off! I got out of bed and then realized it wasn't coming from outside my apartment. I followed the sound all the way to my computer where I was receiving a Skype call. Really at 2 in the morning? And to make it worse, it was from some urgent online instruction thing. Spam. And of course by the time I denied it and shut down my computer, I was wide awake. I had to be up a little before 6 to get ready for work.

So I am tired as hell driving into work. Thankfully for me I didn't have to be there too long or really even do anything. So I go home. I'm extremely excited to go home so I can go back to bed. As my luck goes, as soon as I get ready to climb into bed, the neighbor starts working in his back yard. Loudly. So needless to say, no nap.

I decide to just get up and make some breakfast. Not like I can sleep with all that racket anyways. I get online and look at Facebook to see the guy that I had planned on giving a stern talking to (a decision I made last night while trying to fall asleep) is on his way out of town. To hang out with friends. Now I shouldn't be jealous. Its not like we as dating or anything, but it just makes me so angry. He obviously doesn't want to hang out with me. Yet another one goes down the drain. And again, he can't even tell me. He did text me yesterday apoligizing for being in "hideout mode". Dude whatever. I never texted him back and I never got anymore texts.

I'm tired of this. He is suppose to go to the Gator Bowl with me, but hasn't said for sure if he is. I got two other tickets and it looks like the friends I originally bought it for are going to bail as well. Great. I got a hotel room booked and I'm going to the game by myself. Yay, thats going to be fun.

Is it too early for a beer? And I wish I had a cigarette.

Does it have to be this confusing?

I just don't get it. Guys can be just to damn complicated. Ok, yeah I will admit it has been a while since I have actually "dated". But come on, it's like riding a bike right? I'm just not good at it. I guess thats why most of the guys in my life have been either just friends, on the fly guys, or scared little puppies. Here lately I thought things might be different. I did the whole Match thing. Wow. Talk about some real winners there. I got asked to be in a relationship where there were 3 other girls dating the same guy, and they all knew about it. Um, lets see, I had a guy that was into major fetish stuff. Like dressing in bondage gear. I like to consider muself a "free" person but not that free. So there has been a few good prospects. We chatted, texed back and forth, everything was yippy skippy. Then we met. Meeting goes good, we laugh, we enjoy ourselves, say good night...yada yada. Next day: Nada. And same for the consecutive days. Like really? I thought we hit it off and you acted the same, then nothing? Come on seriously. Grow some balls and just tell me you don't like me. I'm a big girl. I can totally handle it.

Anyways, now there is one last one. I say last one because I cancelled my Match membership whether this one works out or not. I'm going to be leaving for training soon anyways. But this last one is something different and I think thats what agrevates me the most. I really like him. We have texted and sent e-mails back and forth for over a month before we met. He was in another state on orders. Yeah, I know another Coastie. This one is a reservest so maybe thats different. After electronically talking to him for a while, I realized he is like a male version of me. Totally wierd. We have alot of the same interests and personality. Of course there are some differences, but all in all, I feel that I have met my match (no pun intended).

So we met for the first time on Friday. I'm nervous because I really like him, and well my track record with first dates was stated before. I didn't want that to happen with this one. So we meet, and of course all goes well. I might have had more drinks than I intended to. Hey I was nervous! Haha I wasn't drunk or anywhere close, just maybe a little lose in the verbage than I probably should have. Well, as luck would have it, he texts me the next day (technically the same day cause it was early in the morning when we got home). We have been texting back and forth pretty much everyday. Sunday night he calls me (he is first to actually call) and asks me if I want to go to the Hard Rock. Of course I am down. We have a good time, I lose money, but its all good. I'm not much of a gambler anyways. We ended up walking around for a bit then we decided (well he did) that it was time to go. He was tired. We had a awkward good bye, but not in a bad way.

And of course there have been more texts since. My deal is, is that I want to hang out with him alot more. He doesn't seem to want to. It maybe because he has been gone for two months, but I even offered to go there. I'm probably over reacting (because I have a tendency to do that), but I just don't know how to react. I really like him and want to get to know him a little closer and maybe start dating, but then I know I need to take it slow. I'm just not good at that part. When I see something I want I usually get it. I don't want to move too fast with him because I don't want to mess things up, but I don't want to wait too long because then I'm afraid I might lose him. AHHH! Why does this shit have to be such a damn game. One wrong move and BAM your gone.

I'm just frustrated. Just when I think I have moved a little too strong and don't hear anything back from him, I get a text the next day of him apoligizing for being the way he was. I wish I could just straight up ask him where he sees this going. I hate playing these stupid games. I think I would feel better knowing how he feels, but I'm also scared he won't feel the same way. Sometime I feel I choose the wrong time to quit smoking. Haha.

There has to be a beginning...

Oh yes, so true. And so there will be. I am giving this a try like any other human being that does this. It may work for me or it may not. But there has to be a start right? I need to start putting my thoughts down on paper. Well, hypothetical paper that is. My hands won't write as fast as my brain spouts off randomness. My typing however, I can always type as fast as I can then go back and deal with the enormous amount of typos. Haha.

This won't always be cohesive, understandable, nor grammatically correct. I am challenged in a way. No, not challenged, I just don't care that much. I am who I am. I am doing this for me so why should I care about typos, where my comma placement is, and well, if I am rambling along aimlessly. To the point this is easier that caring around a notebook or journal.

So to myself I say "Carry on my wayward self" and just get it jouted down.